Something for the weekend

In lieu of my almighty recent tussle with writer’s block, today’s entry is unfortunately only going to be a short, sharp dose of ire and wit. Without further ado, I present to you today’s witterings of discontent:

1) Loose Women – has there ever been a more apt name for a television program?

2) As an appreciator of fine cuisine, I am getting increasingly disillusioned with the tendency of fast-food “restaurants” to insist upon remuneration for condiments. Whilst this practice is generally confined to the lower echelons of the fast food pyramid, I have noticed that one initialised member of the “Holy Trinity of Fast Food” has recently deployed this policy.

3) At the risk of alienating a large proportion of my “friends” list, I really cannot see how is it ever necessary or justifiable  to update one’s Facebook status more than once a day. Isn’t Tw*tter the sort of place to indulge in such behaviour?

4) If Marlon King celebrates GOOD news like that, I dread to think how he would take bad news…

Eddycrane
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Television, glorious television (part 1)

As one might imagine, forced unemployment has meant that I have frequently come into contact with that fountain of eternal knowledge, the mighty television. Aside from soaking up Frasier re-runs with the enthusiasm of a fat kid who has been informed that today is “unlimited refill day” at his local Pizza Hut Ice Cream Factory, this free time has allowed me to mentally debate the virtues and values of what is put before me on that glorious, glorious screen. And in doing so, I came to some conclusions, which if you follow carefully……….

…..

….can be found below.

Conclusion 1: I wish that my family was like the families that go on Family Fortunes (do these sorts of family actually exist in real life?). For the vast majority of my formative years, my sole goal in life was to end up before Les Dennis, desperately trying to figure out what “their survey” thought was the nation’s favourite child sex-offender (which I’d imagine would probably be Gary Glitter, given that he has members of “his gang” in two different continents). Many a Saturday was spent performing a heartfelt soliloquy in front of my parents, perpetually pleading for our family to enter Family Fortunes (“Here Dad, are you sure you’re not up for winning that Daewoo?”).

Well despite the constant refusal of my parents, the desire to appear on the show still burns inside with the fire of a thousand suns. So if four of you bright young things out there are game (and willing to slap on some fake tan, we should try and make this baby look convincing) please let me know immediately.

Conclusion 2: There should probably be a rule  preventing sitcoms from making any new seasons after the sitcom in question has peaked. For example, see:
Scrubs – post-season 5. It’s actually physically painful watching anything after this.
Friends – somewhere after season 7 perhaps? Basically at the point when EVERYTHING Monica said and did became more annoying than fat people who insist on walking through the middle of a pavement.

Conclusion 3: Similarly to conclusion 2, there should be a rule prohibiting crap people from compiling their favourite songs/artists on music channels. Now it is all good and well when Bonnie Tyler is picking her 100 favourite power ballads (this sort of behaviour should actually be encouraged), but it IS NOT good and well when Keisha from “da sugababes” (sorry, FORMERLY of “da sugababes”) is picking her top 15 sexy vixens.

Conclusion 4: MTV Base. Discuss?

Conclusion 5: Even though he clearly has a face for radio, it is a miracle that Adrian Chiles is on TV, and frequently at that. If he can get on TV with THAT face and THAT hideous Brummie accent then there truly is hope for us all.

Conclusion 6: I like to do things in fives, so there is no conclusion six.

Eddycrane
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Irritation

In what is likely to become a most common and recurring theme in these posts, today I shall be briefly listing things that have become a constant source of (often irrational) personal discomfort. Indeed, many of the matters that are to be referenced are merely the musings of one who has far too much time on his hands. So, ladies and gentleman, I give to you, my most current sources of personal irritation:

1) Jo Whiley
Well, it’s evident that I’ve started with a right good’un here. Before I challenge the issue of a forty-four year old woman (yes, Wiki it if you don’t believe me)  portraying herself as a living, breathing, human version of NME, I feel it necessary to clarify to readers when and why I first took offence to this lady. Arising from an uneasy drunken slumber one Sunday morning/afternoon, I was devastated to find out that I had missed the ‘Oaks omnibus (this was around the time that Rhys was sleeping with his sister, so I was obviously up for some Chester-scenester-based-incest). But nothing could prepare me for the further Channel 4-based horrors that were in store. In what one can only assume was a ploy to create an edgy, “down-with-ver-kids” style X-Factor for serial texters, Orange MobileAct Unsigned unassumingly arrived in the middle of my living room. Whilst the slightly out-of-date Coco Pops were turning my milk a satisfying shade of brown, Whiley’s incessant, incomprehensible ramblings about how “there is no place for guitar solos” were turning my stomach. Having then watched her ludicrously tap her feet and awkwardly “bob” to some ten-a-penny Northern Arctic Monkeys-alike, I was forced to do the unthinkable and switch from Channel 4 to Channel Five (yes, it was THAT bad).

After this, I was only confronted by this talentless hack when she was doing her slots on Radio1, and this wasn’t so bad because:
A) I didn’t have to see her face
B) It’s fairly easy to change the station

However, last week, I came across a video of Dizzee Rascal live “in the studio”. And guess who the compere was…
…the enchanting Miss Whiley.

Watching this forty-four year old middle class lady trying to engage in banter with and “groove” along to the music of a 23 year old working class “bwoi”-got-lucky, a part of me died.
So thank you Miss Whiley, for permanently destroying a small part of me.

2) Justin Lee Collins
Why? Surely there is not one good reason why this chancer is unceremoniously stealing some of my oxygen on a daily basis.

3) Kerry Katona
See number 2 + cocaine + world’s most active ovaries.

4) Not being a student
Why would anyone do it? It’s just rubbish isn’t it? The vacuous space that exists once released from the warm, homely bubble that is student-life is something that nothing can prepare you for. To analogise this for you, it would be like living in the Arctic Circle for 3 years, knowing that everytime you go to sleep you will be armed with a 20 tog duvet. Then, at the end of the third year (or fourth year for all you placement students) your 20 tog is viciously taken away and replaced with 20 pieces of single ply toilet paper.

5) The Jobcentre Plus
This one is intrinsically linked with number 4. Let’s summarise this one in a few choice bullet points:
a) No, I do not want to do minimum wage factory work at 4 in the morning.
b) No, I do not want to do minimum wage mail sorting at 4 in the morning.

Eddycrane
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